That’s because its true. If you are willing to take crap from people, then expect them to give you crap, because you are telling them that its okay (albeit non-verbally). You can’t expect people to know how you want to be treated.

And its a fallacy that you should treat people the way you want to be treated. You might be willing to put up with a load of nonsense, while someone else may not. So treating that person the way you’d like to be treated really isn’t working for that person. Treat people the way they want to be treated. And let them know how you would like to be treated.

Communication is key in setting boundaries. The communication may not be verbal, but then it takes longer for the other party to realise that you are not a happy camper.

So, in setting boundaries you are teaching people how to treat you. But how does one set boundaries?

Firstly, you need to be clear on exactly how you expect to be treated. You can’t teach someone how to treat you if you don’t know how you want to be treated.

Secondly, don’t be afraid to speak up when someone is treating you differently than what you’d like. Do it in a manner that preserves both your and the other person’s sense of dignity. It doesn’t have to be a formal reprimand, I find that a simple “Are you flexing your I’m-a-jerk muscle?” seems to work quite nicely with my brother.

Lastly, be consistent in enforcing these boundaries. People only remember how you are to be treated when they’ve been conditioned to treat you in a specific way. If you let them get away with it, then don’t expect improvement.

Everyone deserves to be treated in the way they want, so pay it forward! And remember your behaviour determines others’ behaviour towards you.

1. Take the good with the bad

A lot of things aren’t exactly going my way right now. I mean a lot of BIG things. But then, every so often a ray of light (metaphorically speaking, of course) makes its way through the clouds. And just for that moment I am reminded that this, too shall pass.

Life works in cycles. So I can’t really complain about things now, since they’ve been great for the past three years.

Same with people. People aren’t perfect, and more often than not you’ll get to see the not-so-great parts. You just need to decide whether the really great parts are worth sticking around for.

2. Never assume the worst, there is usually a lot of room for things to go (even more) badly.

In Grey’s Anatomy they say “When you hear hoofbeats, assume horses, not zebras”. That is until the zebra is actually staring you in the eye. And you can see his family making their way over.

You’ll be thankful that your initial thoughts were, “It can’t be that bad” – you’ll have more mental energy to freak out when the pawpaw starts flying around after it has struck the fan.

3. Never take for granted that people are there. They might not be, later

Its a tough lesson to learn, but when you live in two places at once, you kinda learn to appreciate the people around you while they are there. Be in the moment, be engaged and all that jazz. You’ll be thankful later.

4. Change is inevitable

Yeah. And it sucks. This is what the whole tirade is about, btw. My life is changing and I’m not even close to ready for it. I’m scared, but you know what? It’ll all work out.

When did enough become too little? We seem dissatisfied with our ability to live comfortably, instead wanting to live extravagantly.

We are in debt because we pretend to be something we’re not, and depressed because we try to ignore this fact. The crushing sense of relative deprivation has so many people in western societies dependent on anti-depressants. We are unhappy so we eat, we become obese trying to hide that fact.

When did living become about dollar signs? Have we truly allowed capitalism to seep into and steal our essence?

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

What’s so bad about that, you ask? Being the competitive/snobby person that I was, I believed that I was, naturally, the best at everything. So, when I was sixteen (a whopping 5 years ago) I started getting input that proved the contrary. I didn’t do as well as my peers, academically speaking, I only got commendations instead of actually placing at the Eisteddfods … but mostly, my personal relationships were, to be honest, superficial and unsatisfying.

I used to tell myself that I wasn’t being snobby or prideful, I simply believed in myself. Yeah, that didn’t work for very long.

The whole point to my telling you this story is that we often do things out of fear, rather than a true belief in our own volition and ability. Martha Beck calls it “running away from fear” rather than “running toward love” (that is, love for yourself and wanting the best for yourself). Or, more simply put – you are driving, not striving towards what is best for you.

Consciously acting out of feelings of love, rather than fear can change your life (wow, big statement! But its true). It’s a change in mindset that allows you to accept who you are, and come to appreciate the person staring back at you in the mirror ( unless of course that isn’t you, which would be seriously disturbing).

Accepting ourselves is key to becoming a fuller, happier person. How can you expect to win at life when you are constantly warring with yourself?

Accepting our flaws doesn’t give us a free pass, though. You still need to work at them, but out of love for yourself rather than out of fear for not “being good enough”.

Now, I’m not really into self-affirmation and all that jazz, but I do suggest telling yourself that you are a great person. Words do influence us, as Foucault so concretely demonstrated. When we change our self-speak from negative to positive, we start treating ourselves better and we start truly believing in ourselves. We begin to strive.

Okay, enough with all the feel good fluff! Remember: If you can’t love anybody else, love yourself!

Desperation and loneliness are the two worst reasons for dating, falling in love or marrying someone. Its also an insult to the person you’re with.

Imagine finding out that the person you’ve been falling in love with for the past few months has only been with you because he/she doesn’t want to be alone, is desperate for a relationship or simply sees a relationship as a measure of self worth. Not nice.

It feels like you’ve been used.

Desperation and loneliness cause a person to fixate on whoever is available and matches a (very) few of the criteria. The person you “fall in love with” then loses his/her individuality and becomes the “object of affection”. We then continue to create in our minds a version of the object that match all of the criteria, even though the person is nothing like the version we created.

Problems arise when we realise that the object and the person do not resemble each other at all, or worse, the person realises that you hold an unrealistic view of them. This is hurtful to both parties involved as disillusionment steps in.

Be aware of your reasons for liking someone. The only good reason to fall in love with a person is that your life would suck without them (NOTE: person, not object).

How do you define it? You tell me. Success usually flows from things about which you are passionate. So do the things that make you come alive.

PASSION is key in drawing up your bucketlist. What makes you bubble over with excitement, what makes your toes curl, what makes your brain run at 120 km/h? Find out what your passion is and work from there. Both Leo Babuata and Chris Guillebeau have blogs about how to find out what your passion is and how to make it work for you, so I’m not going to get into that.

What I do want you to know, is that a bucketlist is a guideline for what you want to get out of life. many of the things you write down are symbolic of your interests and your perspective on life. It can help you grow more fully into who you are as a person, because it reflects who you are.

So, here is my 10 items or less:

1. Learn: to tango in Argentina, speak Italian, photography, the art of non-conformity

2. Roadtrip through SA

3. Bungeejump off Bloukrans

4. Get published

5. Get involved with NGO’s: SANCOBB and Habitat for Humanity

6. Do 1 random act of kindness everyday

7. Stand up for what I believe in

8. Do 1 new thing every month

9. Get a Ph.D

Many a quote sing the virtues of being able to enjoy your own company, and the ability to do things by yourself. But, why would you want to?

Companionship is a significant form of social support. Sharing is caring and all that jazz. We need someone to share memories, burdens and inside jokes.

That someone may or may not be a parent, friend or lover. The point is, relationships should not be seen as secondary. In the African culture, the notion of uBuntu and interconnectedness illustrate exactly this point.

I am because you are. You are because I am.

Everything we do affects at least one other person. Modernism enforces and individualist mindset, allowing us to become self-absorbed, narcissistic, competetive and ultimately power hungry.

Are we as products of the modernist paradigm truly happy?

I think not.

So, benefit yourself by putting relationships back on your priority list. You’ll be amazed at how much you receive back

The human condition i.e the features common to most human lives  AND our response to them have great influence on who we are today. Metaphysically speaking, the human condition is also used to describe our joy and terror at being and existing.

Most, if not all, people question their existence and its purpose at some point or another. Our existence terrifies us. And rightly so. If we become complacent about why we are here, so much less will be done for the rest of the human race.

In The Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera, this existential questioning becomes poignant. The German expression Einmal ist keinmal encapsulates “lightness” so: “what happens but once, might as well not have happened at all. If we have only one life to live, we might as well not have lived at all”; if concluded logically, life ultimately is insignificant. Hence, because decisions do not matter, they are rendered light, because they do not cause personal suffering. Yet, simultaneously, the insignificance of decisions — our being — causes us great suffering, perceived as the unbearable lightness of being consequent to one’s awareness of life occurring once and never again; thus no one person’s actions are universally significant. Said insignificance is existentially unbearable, given that people want their lives to have transcendent meaning ( found at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_unbearable_lightness_of_being).

Milan Kundera is on to something here. We all want to live, knowing that our lives have meant something in the greater scheme of things, but ultimately are terrified that our lives were too “light” to make any impression. Subsequently, we then try to either rationalize this fear away or simply ignore it.

This is where midlife crises come from.

But, what is the meaning of life, you ask? You tell me.

Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist held in Auschwitz during the holocaust came to the following conclusion -  “even in the most absurd, painful and dehumanized situation, life has potential meaning and that therefore even suffering is meaningful.”

But what is this potential meaning, how do we find it? And what do we do if we don’t like it?

A concept that has carried me through many a dark day has been Frankl’s notion of will to meaning. It involves the self’s discovering the meaning that life seems to harbor for the self as opposed to simply inventing that meaning. Frankl writes:

“Man’s search for meaning is a primary force in his life and not a ‘secondary rationalization’ of instinctual drives. This meaning is unique and specific in that it must be fulfilled by him alone; only then will he achieve a significance that will satisfy his own will to meaning”

Frankl also suggests that the meaning of one’s life fluctuates from moment to moment. What matters then is not the meaning of life in general, but rather the meaning of one’s life at a specific moment.

Each person then, is questioned by life and he can only answer by accounting for his life.In my interpretation then, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve found the meaning of life. What matters is that you are actively searching for it, and when you’ve found it, that you’ve acted upon it.

This is essentially the core of human existence. We address the “lightness” of our own existence by finding the meaning of each moment. Life then becomes a series of meaningful moments, each adding weight to our existence.

Who knows, maybe we end up qualitatively improving the human condition?

It’s difficult to be both present AND on top of things.

You’re doing so much to ensure that when your life starts, it’s gonna be good. NEWSFLASH. It’s already started and you’re missing it!

In the movie P.S I Love You this point is driven home. In the very first scene, Holly (Hilary Swank) makes this same mistake only to discover that she wasted precious time with her husband trying to build this perfect life.

Your life is now. Not tomorrow, not when you get your degree, not when you’ve made your first million. Don’t wait to start living. THIS IS IT.

I inserted this specific picture from icanhascheezburger.com to show how silly this frame of mind really is. You are on this journey, you are living NOW.

To help you, here’s some advice from Regina Brett:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ’In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s,we’d grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.